Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
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call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
honestly, i need both:
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English