I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
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“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
This is my bus stop.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
any last words?
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.