*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
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Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*