[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
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Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
British websites use biscuits.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
S M O L
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀