Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
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I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.