Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
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What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Solving a traffic jam
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.