When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
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I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
taking June’s advice to heart
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?