Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
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in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.