A French press is when you hug naked
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When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.