me making someone eat a chip with my mind
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Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I love snow
– People who never shovel
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary