I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
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God has left this place
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
yes yes a thousand times yes!
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes