My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
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Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.