Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
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I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.