This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
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[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Dune (2021)
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”