I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
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HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
How does one answer this?
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.