Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
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whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
shut up and take my money
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel