i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
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Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road