If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
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Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?