Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
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The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.