My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
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“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
A flock of dads is called a grill.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.