GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
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My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Banderslack Clamberdorch
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.