me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
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A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Me recordaron éste meme
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee