The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
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If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.