Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
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[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Smells like a challenge to me
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
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