friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
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my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor