A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
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I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Life is a suicide mission.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊