If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
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I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Aaaa…CHOO!
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.