my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
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The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard