I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
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Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”