Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
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if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
So creative 😂
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
wtf management?!
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Catercrombie & Fish
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.