They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
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Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I found your tweet-up…
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?