I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
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I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.