[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
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Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
mechanics be like
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.