In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
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Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?