I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Them: You should try keto
Me:
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?