i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
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I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.