I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
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I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Got him!
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Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her: