Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
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They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.