“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
You Might Also Like
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.