[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
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[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive