100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
You Might Also Like
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida