Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
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Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
My flabber has been gasted.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…