OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
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Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-