Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
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Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…