Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
You Might Also Like
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER