Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
You Might Also Like
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
this post was so formative to me
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”