Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
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girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Respect
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.