An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
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“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”