Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
You Might Also Like
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear