My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
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I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
*updates tinder bio*
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew